Original Blog Post May 6, 2016
It’s been 10 days since I went to court for the Final Hearing on our divorce. It seemed like a dream. I knew it would eventually be finished but I dreaded the day when it was. Yesterday my now ex-husband texted and wanted to know, ‘So are we divorced now or what?’. I replied sarcastically, ‘What’s the big hurry?’.
Needless to say that wasn’t the best reply but it did prompt me to check the clerk of courts website. There I learned that the Final Judgment had been entered. I passed along the information to my ex that we are indeed divorced. Today I received my court documents.
Now my question is ‘What do I do now?’. I mean he has already ‘moved on’. I don’t know that I’m ready for that step yet as the pain is still so fresh. The wound is closing but it still hurts. I am afraid to trust anyone. I wonder if anyone will want me with all my kids. They come first, as always.
Sigh, I don’t know how I can feel so lonely when I am always surrounded by kids. Doesn’t seem possible but it is.
I’ve read some articles about what to do after a divorce. I just don’t have the energy or the heart to go out anywhere. I don’t think a lot of those article are geared towards moms with multiple children either. Our parenting plan is a little different so my kids are always with me. That may change in the future if certain conditions are met but for now its me. Yes, he will come and see them at our home but he rarely stays more than 1-2 hours. That doesn’t give me much free time considering it takes 20-30 minutes to get to town from here.
So first things first I guess. I called some about some financial things that needed cleared up. I’ve completed all the proper paperwork, made all the copies to attach to said paperwork, and tomorrow I will go by the bank to get the info I need from there. It will give me a little peace of mind when this is taken care of. Then maybe I can focus on other areas.
We’ve started going to a new church. The kids really love it and I like it too. A lot of the activities are geared towards couples. While I am happy to see so many happy couples it saddens me a lot because I feel left out. They do have some activities for us homeschooling families and we really enjoy participating.
I thought about going camping alone or maybe even fishing for the day but I am afraid. There are always weird stories that you hear and there have been lots of major shootings/killings around here lately.
Then considering I have been married for most of my adult life it is hard to be alone. I don’t know how to be alone.
They say to keep busy. Duh!? I am raising 6 kids on my own. They constantly need food and clothes, there are baths to give, clothes to wash, a house to keep clean, a yard to mow, gardens to weed, and animals to feed. Did I mention that we homeschool too? Not to mention that I help with my dad’s farm too. I have a daughter getting married soon too. That’s a lot but I still get lonely.
They say to invite friends over for dinner. Well, we moved here a few years ago and life has been busy so I haven’t made many friends. A lot of the friends I did have were mutual acquaintances and they sided with him as they had known him longer.
Some say to have a glass of wine to relax. Not a good idea to drink alone, trust me on this one.
So that leaves me with what do I do now? Well, I’ve started praying more. I mean GOD delivered Joseph out of a pit, he was sold as a slave, tricked and put in prison and later became the second most powerful ruler in Egypt. If GOD can do that for him surely he can help me too.
Daniel prayed three times a day, so I have set aside three times a day to pray too. I need GOD. I don’t want to feel alone. He says he will never desert us nor forsake us and I trust him. I know he will bring me through this and make me a stronger and more successful person in the end. He is using this experience to shape me into the person he wants me to be. I have to have faith that good will come out of all of this.
GOD will speak to us when we need him. I was feeling a little sad this morning and my 7 year old looked at me and said, ‘Momma, you know GOD loves you too!.’ Yes, indeed I do know that but it doesn’t hurt to be reminded.
So for now I am going to finish my grocery list, get the little ones in bed, and talk to GOD!
Good night ya’ll!